So, I have some confessions to make.

I am about 89.7% sure that I am going to skip the Blues at the Crossroads half marathon in September. I’m just not feeling it. I feel no motivation to run/train/workout. And the thought of spending 3+ hours finishing a half marathon does not appeal to me. Confession: I really thought I’d be in a better place mentally and physically by this time of the summer.

Can you believe 2012 is half over?! That’s not so much a confession as a “holy crap, where has this year gone” realization.

I eat like crap! Anyone who is shocked must be new here. Confession: I have a real food issue. I make all kinds of excuses – “I don’t like vegetables.” “I don’t like/can’t cook.” “It’s too expensive to eat healthy.” Bottom line – I make choices like eating a queso burrito from Qdoba when the Marsh salad bar is two stores away. I eat crap. I feel miserable. I don’t feel like working out. I feel worse. I eat crap. Continuous damn cycle.

I feel miserable! Part of my cutting back on running is due to the experiences I’ve had the last two times I ran.

• 3 miles on the calendar. Miles 1 and 2 were perfect! A perfect mix of running and walking. I was even right at a 13 minute mile. Not a land speed record, but good for me. Then came mile 3 – 16:42. I just lost all motivation, all momentum. I just wanted to be done. I was weak and light-headed. It wasn’t overly hot either. I made my way home, showered, ate dinner and fell almost immediately to sleep around 8 p.m. My mom even commented that I didn’t look good. I would up in the middle of the night with the most amazing migraine. I was miserable. Confession: This scared the crap out of me. I am now full of self-doubt. Should I be running? Should I be training? Is something really wrong with me?
• The following Saturday was 4 miles. It was HOT and I was slow. I was perfectly fine with this. Then I realized that I wasn’t actually pushing myself. I was on a casual stroll. I ran for a bit but stopped when I felt out of breath. Confession: I’m scared to push myself. What happens if I pass out and die when I’m running by myself? What happens if I push myself and then can’t get back home?

Confession: I haven’t worked out in the last two weeks because I’m scared. So I eat my feelings. And then I feel miserable. Then I sleep. A lot.

Confession: I cannot stand to see photos of myself.

Confession: I felt 100 times better taking the Advocare products (MNS and Spark) but I just can’t justify the expense right now. As I type this, I realize it’s an excuse – I justified $7.95 on a burrito at lunch.

Confession: The non-call from the blind date is not helping my mental state.

Confession: I really want someone to love me as I am, then support me as I become a better version of myself.

I initially titled this post “A New Way of Thinking”. I haven’t actually found that new way yet. I think right now I need to be completely honest with myself before I can change anything. Hopefully this post is my first step.

I’m having a bit of a reality moment. A few pictures where taken of my last Thursday at the golf outing I planned for work. Typically, I’m not fond of photos of myself. And these were no different. I know I’m not a small girl. But I feel like I look gigantic in these photos. And because I need the photographic evidence for when I get skinny again, I’m going to post a few.

Ok, not so bad. But I still don’t feel that big IRL.

“Mother of god, what’s with the gut?” Name that movie!

So, here’s my question – am I really this big or does that photo lens add 10 pounds?

My shoulders look big. My thighs are disgusting. I thought I was losing the face fat, but no. And let’s just not talk about the inner tube.

I know I have work to do here folks. I’m a comfortable size 14 with size 10 and 12 in a tub just waiting for me to get my shit together. I need to do a better job at tracking my food. I have been pretty consistent working out 3-4 times a week.

For now, I’m just going to sigh and know that one day (hopefully in 2012) I will be able to tag this post and say “remember when.”