Confession Time

So, I have some confessions to make.

I am about 89.7% sure that I am going to skip the Blues at the Crossroads half marathon in September. I’m just not feeling it. I feel no motivation to run/train/workout. And the thought of spending 3+ hours finishing a half marathon does not appeal to me. Confession: I really thought I’d be in a better place mentally and physically by this time of the summer.

Can you believe 2012 is half over?! That’s not so much a confession as a “holy crap, where has this year gone” realization.

I eat like crap! Anyone who is shocked must be new here. Confession: I have a real food issue. I make all kinds of excuses – “I don’t like vegetables.” “I don’t like/can’t cook.” “It’s too expensive to eat healthy.” Bottom line – I make choices like eating a queso burrito from Qdoba when the Marsh salad bar is two stores away. I eat crap. I feel miserable. I don’t feel like working out. I feel worse. I eat crap. Continuous damn cycle.

I feel miserable! Part of my cutting back on running is due to the experiences I’ve had the last two times I ran.

  • 3 miles on the calendar. Miles 1 and 2 were perfect! A perfect mix of running and walking. I was even right at a 13 minute mile. Not a land speed record, but good for me. Then came mile 3 – 16:42. I just lost all motivation, all momentum. I just wanted to be done. I was weak and light-headed. It wasn’t overly hot either. I made my way home, showered, ate dinner and fell almost immediately to sleep around 8 p.m. My mom even commented that I didn’t look good. I would up in the middle of the night with the most amazing migraine. I was miserable. Confession: This scared the crap out of me. I am now full of self-doubt. Should I be running? Should I be training? Is something really wrong with me?
  • The following Saturday was 4 miles. It was HOT and I was slow. I was perfectly fine with this. Then I realized that I wasn’t actually pushing myself. I was on a casual stroll. I ran for a bit but stopped when I felt out of breath. Confession: I’m scared to push myself. What happens if I pass out and die when I’m running by myself? What happens if I push myself and then can’t get back home?

Confession: I haven’t worked out in the last two weeks because I’m scared. So I eat my feelings. And then I feel miserable. Then I sleep. A lot.

Confession: I cannot stand to see photos of myself.

Confession: I felt 100 times better taking the Advocare products (MNS and Spark) but I just can’t justify the expense right now. As I type this, I realize it’s an excuse – I justified $7.95 on a burrito at lunch.

Confession: The non-call from the blind date is not helping my mental state.

Confession: I really want someone to love me as I am, then support me as I become a better version of myself.

I initially titled this post “A New Way of Thinking”. I haven’t actually found that new way yet. I think right now I need to be completely honest with myself before I can change anything. Hopefully this post is my first step.

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(Lack of) Motivation Monday

Hey! Remember last week when I told you all about my week 3 training plan. You don’t? Oh, yeah, that’s because I suck. Oh, and I haven’t really blogged since June 17th. Total suckage. But I’m here now with an update on Pamland.

Let’s go back to Week 2 Training Plan which looked something like this:

Monday: Total Body Conditioning – Check
Tuesday: 3 mile run/walk – Check
Wednesday: 2 mile run/walk – interval drills – Suck
Thursday: 3 mile run/walk & strength training –Suck
Friday: Rest – Check
Saturday: 4 mile run/walk – Check
Sunday: Cross train – Suck

Overall, not a bad week. Still hanging around that 57%.

Week 3 Training Plan went as follows:

Crickets……crickets……crickets…….

Now mind you, I have a full plan, already mapped out, I just have to do it. And last week (week 3), I did nothing. So let’s talk about my nothing that I did.

See, I really do have a plan! And it’s such a lovely plan!

I knew I had a flex day last week since I’d be working on Saturday hosting an event. I decided to take it Tuesday (June 19th), otherwise known as the best day ever!

  • 9 a.m dentist appointment – no cavities. Brushing your teeth is awesome!
  • 11 a.m. trip to CarMax to find out that I can get a new car with LOWER monthly payments and better gas mileage.
  • 2:00 p.m. find said car after multiple test drives.
  • 7:00 p.m. Blind date

So, first things first, meet Trip. Trip is a 2010 Mazda 3 (get it, Trip). She’s super cute, gets great gas mileage, and likes to zoom, zoom. I mean, really, isn’t she pretty?! I am so happy!

With all of this crazy funness on Tuesday, I didn’t have time to squeeze in a workout.

And because I arrived home from above mentioned blind date until 1:30 a.m., worked all day, then babysat that night until midnight, there was no time for a workout.

Thursday I was just too tired from the awesomeness of my week and Friday I was just BITTER that I had to work on Saturday. Saturday I was too tired from working 12 hours and Sunday I had to do my chores – laundry, shopping, napping, etc.

I am the queen of excuses. I am very much aware of this. Please do not lecture me. I swear everyday last week someone posted that ridiculous post “someone busier than you is running right now”. Yes, I know. Now stop.

So, the plan for this week: Well, that’s a really good question. I have a plan (see above). I’m just thinking about ditching it for a couple of weeks. I don’t mean I’m going to stop exercising, I’m just going to adjust from my running plan. There is a whole post in my head about this new thinking in my head and how I got there.

Stay tuned this week for “The Blind Date” and “A New Way of Thinking”. I promise they are coming this week.

Photos v. Reality

I’m having a bit of a reality moment. A few pictures where taken of my last Thursday at the golf outing I planned for work. Typically, I’m not fond of photos of myself. And these were no different. I know I’m not a small girl. But I feel like I look gigantic in these photos. And because I need the photographic evidence for when I get skinny again, I’m going to post a few.

Ok, not so bad. But I still don’t feel that big IRL.

 

“Mother of god, what’s with the gut?” Name that movie!

So, here’s my question – am I really this big or does that photo lens add 10 pounds?

My shoulders look big. My thighs are disgusting. I thought I was losing the face fat, but no. And let’s just not talk about the inner tube.

I know I have work to do here folks. I’m a comfortable size 14 with size 10 and 12 in a tub just waiting for me to get my shit together. I need to do a better job at tracking my food. I have been pretty consistent working out 3-4 times a week.

For now, I’m just going to sigh and know that one day (hopefully in 2012) I will be able to tag this post and say “remember when.”

Training Week 1 of 15

I told you that you were going to have to help me stay motivated. So rather than fess up about my week, I just didn’t tell you. Rather pathetic.

So this was my plan starting last Monday:

Monday: Strength & Stretch Perfect! Beautiful! YAY me!
Tuesday: 3 mile run/walk – I switched up Tuesday and Wednesday. Neighborhood run/walk 2.16 miles! YAY!
Wednesday: 2 mile run/walk or cross train – 3 miles on the beautiful Ohio River Greenway. YAY!
Thursday: 3 mile run/walk & strength – All day at a golf outing. Definitely a rest day.
Friday: Rest – And I’m really tired so I’ll take another rest day. And go drink beer at Miranda Lambert.
Saturday: 4 mile run/walk – I’m too tired from drinking beer and seeing Miranda Lambert.
Sunday: Cross train – My amazing cousin is in town and I won’t see her again for at least a year and a half. I had to visit and eat two hamburgers and chocolate brownies.

I consider that 4/7 days or 57%. If I were being graded, I’d fail. But in workout land, one day is better than no days so I passed!!

Week 2 training schedule
Monday: Total Body Conditioning
Tuesday: 3 mile run/walk
Wednesday: 2 mile run/walk – interval drills
Thursday: 3 mile run/walk & strength training
Friday: Rest
Saturday: 4 mile run/walk
Sunday: Cross train

Since I work in a community center with fitness classes, an indoor walking/running track, work out equipment, etc. and get a discount, I figured I should start using it! So I’m revising my schedule a bit include these classes.

I’m also embracing cross-training this go-round. It was recommended that I do more cross-training at this time last year, but I just wanted to run. Now I understand that if I deflate the inner tube, I might actually run faster.

Now onto the fun stuff…..

The Association I work for hosted a golf outing in Clarksville Indiana last Thursday. I’ve been planning this event for months and (thank the Lord) it all came together nicely. The best part (sadly enough) was my running route when I got into town on Wednesday night. It was a beautiful evening and a beautiful trail. I knew I had just enough time to get in 3 miles so I did a quick out and back. Apparently there was a way to make a 3 mile loop…..I missed it. Anyway, it was still awesome!

Hello Ohio River Greenway! And Welcome to Clarksville Indiana!

Hello Louisville! This was where I started and ran by the water for a bit.

Coming back – rolling hills and look, Louisville again! Hello!

This trip did bring up many blogging questions:
1. How does one blog while on a work trip? I checked into the hotel, changed clothes, found the greenway, ran (walk/ran), found my way back to the hotel, showered, had dinner/drinks with co-workers and went to bed around midnight. I was exhausted. I wanted to tell you all about this path when I was on my runners high.

2. How does one take photos while running? I opted to take my camera instead of my cell phone (Shhhhh…don’t tell my mom!). And I’d run a bit then stop for a photo op. I probably stopped 5-10 times (or 12) for photos. A 3 mile outing took almost 50 minutes. Every photo that I took while moving was blurry.

3. How does one blog daily? I always have so many fun things I want to share. But I can spend an hour on one simple blog post. Maybe I’ll get faster. And write with less error and grammatical mistakes.  Or maybe I’ll get faster.

Now you’re all caught up….except the 19 posts I keep promising and never write. No travel this week so I’m shooting for 100% on Week 2 training and at least one more post. We’ll see. Need to figure out how to motivate myself on the weekends.

Hope you had a happy Monday!

Any fellow bloggers to answer my blogging questions? Any tips on staying motivated on the weekend? Just want to say hi?